I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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