If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
