I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
