she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
