Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
