Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
i've created a new STD.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
