after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
