Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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