Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
