Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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