My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We have started to decorate penises.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
