On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Randomize
