she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
