If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Four minutes until I can fart!
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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