Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
