i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
