So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
