I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize