i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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