I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Mom said you looked used
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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