I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
