i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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