The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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