So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
