hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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