I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
