I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
