how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
