I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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