I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
