I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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