Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
