4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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