I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
