Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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