I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize