party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
