Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i can't believe i had my finger in that
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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