life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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