come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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