The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
