Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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