when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
