You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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