What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
