Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
