I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
The Olympian is in my bed
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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