Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
