Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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