dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Randomize
