Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
