Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
