She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
