I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
