I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
