Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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