in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
