Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
