Can i not drive my cunt home
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
