wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You are a genius and a whore.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
