Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
