true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
