I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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