the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
