Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize